All You Need Is Love...Love...Love.

I am struggling to find my voice for this blog. I want to make you all laugh, but sometimes I'm not in the mood to be humorous. Amazingly enough, it takes a bit of energy to be humous, and really, it helps when I don't feel like the weight of the world is resting on  my shoulders. I do try to keep things from getting heavy, but reading back through my blog posts this week, I am starting to think they take on the tone of Andy Rooney when he was on "60 Minutes" ... and when he was still alive: "mraw" is the sound I hear in my head. I really don't want any readers to read a complaint-stewn blog.

This is an incredibly strange time in my life. I feel incredibly happy with  my husband, my children, and my home life. However, there is quite a bit I feel is uncertain and that we are just waiting on. We are waiting to see if my husband's business takes off, we're waiting to see if I get off probation at work, we are waiting to see if we can save our home - we've had trouble making our mortgage payments, and we are working with the bank to work something out. It's heavy. It's immense the pressure we feel on a daily basis. And the fact of the matter is, we have so much to be thankful for. We truly love each other, my husband and I. After nearly 12 years together, we have finally come to a compromise on the division of labor in the household. We know what needs to get done every night, dinner, clean-up, bathe three kids, put three kids to bed, and find time to watch "Boardwalk Empire" "No Reservations", "Flipping Out", "Friday Family Movie Night" and "Saturday At-Home-Date Movie Night". We've been exhausted and just generally "spent" the last few months. We've been so lucky that David's business has been so busy and that he's been blessed with all this sunny, warm weather that is ideal for painting, and is keeping his ability to make money well into the fall a potential reality.

We are incredibly blessed to have three healthy children, and that we value their education, their good health, and having a social life. I feel so proud to be a mom to David, Roman and Nora. I know David is proud to be their dad.

What scares the living shit out of me, though, is the thought that everything could collapse out from underneath us. What if we don't have a home by the end of the year? What if I lose my job? What is David's business goes dead again over the winter? What if we can't keep up with keeping our kids in sports, preschool, and all the other activities and events that pop up regularly throughout the year? What if we lose it all?

I know it sounds so incredibly cheesy to say this, but when I think about all this stuff and I remember all the love that resides under this roof, I calm down. A rush of warmth spreads out from my heart and my shoulders relax and I breathe. I have my family. I have my husband, I have my kids, and we will always have love. There is no bottom floor of love.

I believe in miracles. I believe that things happen for a reason. I believe that what is meant to be, shall be. I have a lot of faith. I am, and we are, working hard to save everything that is tangible. I want to know I am standing on solid ground again. Love can carry us, but I know our feet have to touch ground at some point. I am eager to get to that point again.

Like I've said, I'm not perfect. I fumble, quite a bit, actually. I'm am hoping that by being honest, open, and raw about my life that I will find a strength inside that I forgot about, or that I happened to be cultivating in the dark, like a mushroom, and it will help me to bring me and my family back to the comfort and the security of solid, lush, green grassiness of life.