Why So Blue?

I've been dealing with depression since I was about 14. It's pretty normal to experience angst and fluctuating hormones when you're pubescent. How normal is it to still be experiencing feelings of frustration and inadequacy when you're 31? I'm hoping very. I definitely experienced baby blues and one instance of bona fide post-partum after having Roman, but I have been in a funk pretty much the last year.

We have had an extreme amount of change in our life. I would say the last 5 years have been one big whirl wind of continuous change. It should be admitted that I struggle with change, as most of my childhood was fairly inconsistent: moving to 5 different homes between 2nd and 4th grade - and, no, not an army brat. But, the last five years have involved having a second child, losing the only daycare I trusted, losing my job, starting a new job, buying a house, losing a car and having to finance a vehicle we couldn't afford with our new mortgage and then the kicker, getting pregnant, despite having a two year-old Paraguard IUD. To top that off, I passed a major blood clot 9 weeks into my pregnancy with Nora and since I was on a camping trip, my OB told me over the phone most likely suffered a miscarriage. Come to find out, four days later during an ultrasound, that my fetus did indeed have a heartbeat. The news just got better: chances were good I would still miscarry and the next five weeks were touch-and-go. I fell into a deep funk. Spent two weeks in bed watching American Pickers, No Reservations, Hoarders, and Intervention - when I wasn't busy devouring "The Girl Trilogy". Around September I got the all clear and l knew Nora was safe. Fast forward to after Nora was born, and David telling me he was starting his own business. "Are you kidding me?!" was my plea. How much more do our lives need to be jumbled up? His reasons were clear: he hadn't had a raise from his employer where he worked 50 hours a week, including weekends. Our family was bigger, our expenses greater. He had been getting a lot of requests for bids for painting on the side. He'd made some good connections. But I was seriously concerned. David has Type I Diabetes. What about health insurance, what happens in the winter when business slows? What if a million possible things go wrong, because *you know* they will, right?! He went ahead, I threw my hands up. Summer was ok, we got by. Then came Fall and business slowed and so did our income. To protect my husband's pride, I can't say how bad things got, but it wasn't pretty. He got bummed, I got bummed and it was one I incredibly gloomy winter. Sometime in January we started talking a lot about where we'd been, where we were going. What had we been holding off on and why? We put off marriage, vacation, dating, and family time because we didn't have money. Even when we were making a decent income, we didn't think we had enough money. We decided not to let a lack of funds dictate how happy we are. So, we planned a cheap wedding, we started having dates at home, or cheap dates out (bowling, window shopping downtown, using free movie passes, picnics in the park, etc) and we even planned a cheap vacation to Cannon Beach. The last six months have been the most fun we've had together in a long time. I have a more positive outlook on our future, I feel less angry and sad. I still have days where the heaviness of what is on our shoulders pushes me down into a slump and I hate everything. But, in general, my kids, my friends and family, and Prozac :) have helped me keep my head above water. So many times the words that kept me going came from one of my favorite movies, Nemo: "Just keep swimming." There are a lot of things that seem to get in our way in our mad dash to the Happiness Finish Line, but it's the obstacles that put us on the path we're meant to take. I have a lot of faith in the Universe. I still get skeptical, I still get angry when I don't get what I want, I still get sad that I made mistakes that are embarrassing. But, ultimately, this is my life. There is a sense of pride in knowing I'm in charge of something big, and even the depression is a foe I am willing to face in my quest for a full life.