Why So Blue?

I've been dealing with depression since I was about 14. It's pretty normal to experience angst and fluctuating hormones when you're pubescent. How normal is it to still be experiencing feelings of frustration and inadequacy when you're 31? I'm hoping very. I definitely experienced baby blues and one instance of bona fide post-partum after having Roman, but I have been in a funk pretty much the last year.

We have had an extreme amount of change in our life. I would say the last 5 years have been one big whirl wind of continuous change. It should be admitted that I struggle with change, as most of my childhood was fairly inconsistent: moving to 5 different homes between 2nd and 4th grade - and, no, not an army brat. But, the last five years have involved having a second child, losing the only daycare I trusted, losing my job, starting a new job, buying a house, losing a car and having to finance a vehicle we couldn't afford with our new mortgage and then the kicker, getting pregnant, despite having a two year-old Paraguard IUD. To top that off, I passed a major blood clot 9 weeks into my pregnancy with Nora and since I was on a camping trip, my OB told me over the phone most likely suffered a miscarriage. Come to find out, four days later during an ultrasound, that my fetus did indeed have a heartbeat. The news just got better: chances were good I would still miscarry and the next five weeks were touch-and-go. I fell into a deep funk. Spent two weeks in bed watching American Pickers, No Reservations, Hoarders, and Intervention - when I wasn't busy devouring "The Girl Trilogy". Around September I got the all clear and l knew Nora was safe. Fast forward to after Nora was born, and David telling me he was starting his own business. "Are you kidding me?!" was my plea. How much more do our lives need to be jumbled up? His reasons were clear: he hadn't had a raise from his employer where he worked 50 hours a week, including weekends. Our family was bigger, our expenses greater. He had been getting a lot of requests for bids for painting on the side. He'd made some good connections. But I was seriously concerned. David has Type I Diabetes. What about health insurance, what happens in the winter when business slows? What if a million possible things go wrong, because *you know* they will, right?! He went ahead, I threw my hands up. Summer was ok, we got by. Then came Fall and business slowed and so did our income. To protect my husband's pride, I can't say how bad things got, but it wasn't pretty. He got bummed, I got bummed and it was one I incredibly gloomy winter. Sometime in January we started talking a lot about where we'd been, where we were going. What had we been holding off on and why? We put off marriage, vacation, dating, and family time because we didn't have money. Even when we were making a decent income, we didn't think we had enough money. We decided not to let a lack of funds dictate how happy we are. So, we planned a cheap wedding, we started having dates at home, or cheap dates out (bowling, window shopping downtown, using free movie passes, picnics in the park, etc) and we even planned a cheap vacation to Cannon Beach. The last six months have been the most fun we've had together in a long time. I have a more positive outlook on our future, I feel less angry and sad. I still have days where the heaviness of what is on our shoulders pushes me down into a slump and I hate everything. But, in general, my kids, my friends and family, and Prozac :) have helped me keep my head above water. So many times the words that kept me going came from one of my favorite movies, Nemo: "Just keep swimming." There are a lot of things that seem to get in our way in our mad dash to the Happiness Finish Line, but it's the obstacles that put us on the path we're meant to take. I have a lot of faith in the Universe. I still get skeptical, I still get angry when I don't get what I want, I still get sad that I made mistakes that are embarrassing. But, ultimately, this is my life. There is a sense of pride in knowing I'm in charge of something big, and even the depression is a foe I am willing to face in my quest for a full life.

Everyday Mom

Part of the reason I started this blog is to be the Anti-Pinterest Mom. As I mentioned yesterday, I'm not perfect. For the same reasons I avoid parenting, fashion, and fitness magazines, I avoid perusing Pinterest and keeping up with the Jones' in Mommy-Blogger-Land. I don't know many moms who are the "whole" package: impeccably dressed, shiny tresses, could bake the hell of a gluten-free, vegan chocolate cake, run the PTA, balance Lacrosse, Parkour, and Independent classical vocal training for three different kids, create 30 scrapbooks of her daughter's Third-Grade field trip to The Seattle Aquarium to give to the entire class, keep her house looking like an Ethan Allen catalogue, cook gourmet meals that are set perfectly on the table at 6:00 p.m. and still has the energy and the interest in showing her man a good time after the kids are in bed *wink*. If I did know that mom, I'd probably avoid her like the plague, because chances are good she's an evil freak that would suck the funky lifeforce out of you before you could say "Organic Oreos".

My point is, most moms I know are good at one or two things, and the rest of the time, they're just trying to keep themselves level enough not to lose their over-tasked brains. Oh, sure, back when I was a mom of *one* I thought I was uber-awesome. I went to Mommy-and-Me,  we went to the park every afternoon, we went to the zoo, museums, I sent him to a great pre-school, I would actually sit and watch cartoons with him, I would listen to him when he told me stories that took 5 minutes to tell and all I heard was that a turtle and a mouse did something somewhere, and it was neat. One year I even tried to actually *sew* his halloween costume from one of those patterns you buy at JoAnne Fabric ... hahahahahaha! Even my overly-supportive mom told me to just give up. Not so much anymore. I have *three* kids, I work part-time, I help my husband operate his start-up painting company, I manage all the bills, stocking of household supplies, grocery shopping, meal planning, laundry, keeping my bathroom relatively sanitary, taking kids to and from school, sports and other social activities, and yes, making time for my husband. Oh, and I'm also an active member in the PTSA. You're lucky this blog is even moderatly edited. :) I know a mom who kicks ass at creating scrapbooks, homemade cards, crepes, sewing, photography, and is super good at finding dahling outfits at consignment shops, but she is terrible at organizing her house, car, etc (Love you Min!!!). And then there's me, I am organized, super-duper organized (I track every household and business expense in Quicken, for example); but I couldn't collage my son's art project for his third-grade class auction project, so I went to Melinda for that. If Melinda needs me to organize her craft room one of these days, I'm on it - just as soon as my children stop saying my name 10 times in one second while they're trying to get my attention.

We all have a gift, and we all need to recognize in ourselves what that gift is. Don't worry if you aren't enlightening your kids every second of every day, don't worry if you aren't able to give 100 percent of yourself to the 1000's of things you do every day. I always say, "I'll have more time, than I had living with my kids, to have a spotless house and spend quiet evenings on the couch with my husband after the kids are grown." Most of us are doing the very best we can, and our kids love us for that, even if they don't act like it. Give yourself a pat on the back for your small victory each day. Hooray, the kids were on time to school! Hooray, vegetables were eaten at dinner tonight! Hooray, I bought cookies at QFC 10 minutes before school started because I forgot I volunteered to provide something for the Teacher Appreciation Luncheon!

So many moms make this business of parenting a competition. We're all our own people. We all have what works for us, and if it's not working, we figure it out .... eventually. Be proud of who you are, even if you cook all your meals from a box in the microwave or your idea of bonding with your child is going to a movie, because all your kid cares about is that you're mom. That's all. You are Mom.

F'ing Perfect

Guess what? We’re not perfect. You may try toadjust yourself to mirror that colorful, beautifully lustrous woman in themagazine playing mom to two gorgeously coifed and dressed cherubs, but inreality, she’s not real. You’re real, and right now you look haggard, yourmascara is smudged below your eye, your hair is probably falling out of yourloose, half-hazard bun, and you’re scouring the house for socks for put on your18 month-old tearing around the house with her tangled mop of hair in her eyes.*big sigh* It’s OK. This is normal, and this is right. I don’t read magazinesfor parents, I don’t look at fashion magazines or, come on now, fitnessmagazines. I think you know why. Take a look around at the moms at soccer, themoms rushing their kids in the door of school, the moms who drop their kids offin front of school because they’re still in the pajamas, the moms who look liketheir eyes will pop out of their heads as they corral three children around ashopping cart at 5:00 p.m. trying to find something quick, and healthy, God-damnit,to make for dinner tonight. These are your heroes. These are your sisters-in-arms.We are not, no matter how we attempt to look polished and together, perfect. Weare human, we fumble, we fail, we fight, we yell, we trudge through our lives,and at the end of the day we smile, because those dirty little cherubs rollingaround on your oh-god- I-really-need-to-vacuum-carpet are laughing at their ownfarts and smushing their face against the dog’s face, and you’re just happy,because this imperfect, chaotic mess is your colorful, lustrous, gorgeous life.